At The Office, But Not Showing Up

I tiptoed into his office. Navigating the minefield of boxes that had piled up around his desk. I shook his hand—it was lifeless. Tried to catch his eye—he looked away. He appeared aloof. Distant. No hint of a smile. Of really any emotion at all.

His tie hung loosely around his neck. Dress shirt largely untucked from his ill-fitting pants. As he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, I noticed dirty mugs, empty soda cans and discarded paper bags littering his desk. I struggled to make out any of the framed pictures— either laying flat, or obscured by stacks of paper. He spoke in a monotone voice. His responses came at a slow and frustrating pace.

Given the materials my client had provided ahead of time, I knew the business that he had put his heart and soul into for the last decade had been on a steady decline the last couple years. Not surprisingly, his self-esteem had taken a hit. His energy was low. He let me know that working with a coach, was his last, best shot.

From what I gathered, he spent much of his time ruminating on the past, worrying about the future, or feeling stuck in the present. I couldn’t help but wonder about his family. If they were holding up any better. 

Seeing Only Problems And Obstacles

He felt like he was always putting out fires. Seeing one problem after another. He knew he lacked a plan, but admitted, envisioning a brighter future was challenging. Never enough time. Or the right time. In a vulnerable moment, he acknowledged he wasn’t sure he had it in him to get things back on track. What he knew. What felt comfortable—feeling ashamed about the setbacks, current and past. 

And then there was his team. He had come to view them as unproductive and selfish. Always thinking about their well-being and needs, while the company sank further and he struggled to right the ship. He felt like a dumping bin for their grievances. He just wished they would start coming to him with solutions. Carry their weight. Earn their pay.  

Instead, they complained and argued amongst themselves. From his office, even with the door closed sometimes, he could hear them. Listening, but pretending it wasn’t happening. He didn’t want to intervene, or have to take sides.

Victim Mentality

My client is a victim to events, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions that hold him back from success.

Overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings of guilt, fear, worry, and self-doubt.

He believes he has a lack of choice, or options. Feeling trapped and at the effect of what happens around him. Consequently, he avoids difficult situations and issues. Waffles on making decisions. Believing he is helpless to make a difference. 

Not surprisingly, he feels inadequate and his communication skills have suffered. 

His ability to truly inspire and motivate others is weak, largely because he has become numb—disconnected emotionally, as well as from others. Consequently, his team also shows up poorly, mirroring back his negative energy and “can’t do” mindset.

Normal, But Not Necessary

We all experience this type of energy at times, in some aspects of our lives, and so, it is normal.

Normal, however, doesn’t mean necessary.

So the next time you’re feeling stuck, or trapped, with a growing sense of helplessness and/or shame, remind yourself, this is normal. Importantly, ask, is this necessary? Productive? And after a pause, a breath, and quick examination, you find that it’s not necessary, take one more breath, and move on. Easier said than done, right? But you have done more challenging things in your life, than deal with your emotions, I’m sure of it.

You are not your feelings. You are not trapped in emotional reactions. You can lead differently.

Next time, take another breath. Shake yourself out of it.

Then respond.

Give it a try and report back. I’d love to hear how it goes.

If you want to better manage this type of energy when it presents itself and lead in a more sustainable, productive way, shoot me an email and we can talk.

WHO IS REMM CURTIS?

REMM CURTIS IS an executive coach working with NYC and beyond's best and brightest leaders stay at the top of their game. If you would like to talk about what the best version of you could look like, get in touch.