How To Prepare For And Lean Into Difficult Conversations

Given your DMs about my last blog post, “Self-Managing And Responding Better At The Office,” I wanted to offer some additional guidance if the switch from reacting emotionally to staying present and balanced is harder for you. 

This post is here to offer you some conscious and intentional communications training to help build your EQ muscles. Try this exercise to help you prepare for and lean into your next difficult conversation with a goal of mutual understanding and connection.

An Exercise For Training Awareness And Cultivating Connection

Staying present and balanced, speaking and acting in alignment with your values, and listening compassionately are critical leadership qualities to develop and utilize when having difficult conversations. 

While conversations move too quickly to reflect on all four of these questions in the moment, give yourself some space to consider them one at a time, and the responses you’ve come up with, in advance of important conversations. 

4 Questions To Upgrade Your Communication Skills

1. What’s My Intention? 

Being conscious of our intention, which guides how we want to show up, rather than the outcome we’re seeking, helps ensure that our words and actions are aligned with our values.

Importantly, intention also shapes nonverbal communication which is key because when there’s a contradiction between what one says and how one says it, studies show humans place far more weight on the nonverbal cues of body language and tone of voice than the words themselves. For example, if you check in on your employee about the status of an overdue project, they can immediately sense the difference in your tone of voice if you’re blaming them inside, or sincerely motivated to support them in achieving the desired outcome.

One of the most powerful and transformative intentions we can have in a conversation is the genuine intention to understand, which can build trust, good will, and connection—all essential conditions for collaboration and teamwork.

Note, this doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their perspective, just that you comprehend it.

Before your next important conversation, take time to choose a clear intention, whether that’s to collaborate, to be patient, to stay open to new perspectives, to be curious, etc. Summarize your intention in a word, phrase or image and focus all of your attention on that mental representation, letting its meaning and significance become imprinted on your mind. During the conversation, return to that image, word or phrase as often as needed to remind yourself of how you want to engage.

2. What Needs Am I Trying To Meet?

We often attend primarily to the content of what’s being said, our views, ideas and judgments about it. However, when we’re clear about what needs or objectives we’re trying to meet by speaking (and whose), we can make choices about how to engage that are more likely to address the key concerns.

For example, your long-time employee recently turned down a coveted opportunity to join your senior leadership team. You’d been planning it for some time and were looking forward to working together on some exciting upcoming initiatives, so you felt disappointed when he told you he was accepting another job, at a different firm closer to his home. When you’re able to recognize that you want understanding for the impact his choice had on you, and at the same time for him to feel understood and supported in his decision to prioritize family with a shorter commute, and to select a different direction for the next leg of his career, you’ll find it’s easier to speak from your heart and stay focused on what matters, without getting side-tracked by your thoughts or judgments.

Before speaking, reflect on what needs you’re trying to meet by expressing yourself. Are you wanting to be understood? To inquire? To collaborate? To act with integrity? What needs might the other person(s) have, and how might those affect what you say, or how you approach things?

3. What Do I Want The Other Person To Know Or Understand?

We often focus exclusively on what we want to say, without considering what it is we want the other person to hear. While the former tendency overlooks the relational aspect of dialogue, placing our attention on the other person helps us to hone in on the precise message we want to send. When you know what you want someone else to understand (about your experience or a situation), it’s easier to find creative ways to convey that message.

Before your next important conversation, take some time to reflect on what you’d like the other person to know. If the conversation went exceedingly well, what would they understand differently? How does this help you hone in on the message you want to send?

4. How Can I Say It In A Way They’re Most Likely Able To Hear?

This question takes the relational side of a conversation a step further by considering what the other person can actually hear. Do they have the capacity to take in what you want to share? Are you speaking their “language”?

It’s about using skill to create the conditions for an effective connection, rather than about being excessively nice, or watering down your authenticity to make others feel comfortable. If you would like to be understood, then it’s in your best interest to take the time and effort to speak in a way that the other person can take in.

Find different ways of expressing what’s true for you and run them by a friend or colleague first for feedback. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how it would be to hear each version. Which is most likely to get you the understanding you want? Which brings up the least amount of defensiveness, while still expressing your truth?

The Results: Greater Connection, Safety, And Belonging, More Engaged Employees

With this inclusive, respectful approach to your next difficult conversation, you’re showing up as the leader you want to be, and they need, rather than the reactive, dismissive one. Your team respects and trusts you more, because you show up for them—acknowledging their struggles and feelings, and helping them to realize their full potential—rather than dominating the conversation, and shutting down those around you.

When trust and rapport increase, people feel safer to make decisions and to be on the front lines without having to check in with you on every little thing. Work flows better from each of us, and from all of us operating together, when we feel a sense of connection, safety, and belonging with our team. 

If you find yourself frustrated with your employees, and the constant battle to inspire and motivate them so that they can do their best work, shoot me an email and we can talk.

WHO IS REMM CURTIS?

REMM CURTIS is an executive coach working with NYC and beyond's best and brightest leaders stay at the top of their game. If you would like to talk about what the best version of you could look like, get in touch.