4 Emotionally Intelligent Practices To Upgrade Your Communication Habits
What’s The Connection Between EI And Doing Well At Work?
Kathy Jeffery’s describes it this way in Entrepreneur magazine, “People who are aware of their emotions by noticing, naming and navigating their interactions, and those who can read emotional cues from others well, tend to be better adjusted, more resilient and even more successful.”
While organizational shifts in the past few years have placed increased value on soft skills like emotional intelligence, many companies haven’t provided their teams with the necessary resources to develop these skills, which has left high-achieving performers in unfamiliar territory.
If you’re looking to learn these soft skills, and show up with increased confidence, trust, ease, and wisdom during your next challenging conversation, try
4 practices for shifting your team dynamic and communicating better at the office:
1. Be Mindful Of Your Judgments And Interpretations
Most of us have been conditioned to project our feelings and unmet needs onto other people. For example, if I want more consideration and connection than you do, you’re “cold and aloof.” But if you want more connection than I do, then you’re “needy and controlling.” Whatever is happening in our own mind and heart, we make it about someone else being wrong.
Instead, take a step back and own what’s happening in your mind and how you’re feeling, rather than blame others for our unmet needs, which typically causes them to get defensive.
Many of the unpleasant emotions we experience stem from the meaning we make of another’s actions, rather than the result of those actions. Try to discern the difference between your interpretations and the objective reality. To help with this, ask yourself, how am I interpreting what’s happening? Then speak directly to the reality, rather than your assumptions.
Also, understand that your strong feelings point to something that matters to you. To help with this, ask yourself, what do these emotional signals tell me about my needs? Identifying your needs allows you to talk about them with more clarity, power, and less blame.
2. Increase Your Capacity For Discomfort
Difficult conversations are hard because of the uncomfortable emotions we feel. Given the unpleasant sensations that arise and our inability to handle them, we say and do things we later regret.
Instead, when we’re able to feel our emotions, learn to tolerate the discomfort, and stay balanced, without letting them take over, we have more space and choice about how to engage.
To help with this, attend to your breathing, in particular the ease and relaxation of the outbreath. Also, root your attention in your body by scanning for any strong sensations that exist, rather than focusing on thoughts which trigger the emotion.
3. Cultivate The Quality Of Your Presence
Clear away all distractions like phones and laptops to better focus your attention on the other person and making appropriate eye contact.
The quality of your presence contributes to employees feeling seen, and valued for who they are, their differences, and contributions, not just for what KPIs they hit. And that can fuel a pivotal shift in any company or career.
To help be more present, ask yourself, how many misunderstandings have you had simply because someone wasn’t paying attention? Or how different it feels to speak to someone who gives you their full attention, rather than distracted and only half-listening? When you’re present, you have access to your wisdom, gut instincts, and best intentions.
4. Remember Your Values
Choosing a clear and helpful intention, which is the motivating force behind our words and actions, is critical for an effective conversation.
A few words of kindness or a warm gesture can transform the whole atmosphere of a difficult conversation. Additionally, when we can come from our best intentions--kindness, honesty, patience, generosity, compassion—we’re better able to remain balanced in spite of sharp comments or digs.
Importantly, intention also shapes nonverbal communication which is key because when there’s a contradiction between what one says and how one says it, studies have shown that humans place far more weight on the nonverbal cues of body language and tone of voice than the words themselves. For example, if you check in on your employee about the status of an overdue project, they can immediately sense the difference in your tone of voice if you’re blaming them inside, or sincerely motivated to support them in achieving the desired outcome.
Before (and even during) a challenging conversation, take a few moments to remember your values. Ask yourself, what’s most important to me? Regardless of the outcome, how do I want to show up?
How To Use Executive Coaching To Become A More Conscious, Inspirational Leader
Great leaders consciously choose to confront themselves, better understand their fears and ensure what they’re saying is in fact heard and taken in. They’re committed to their own practice of self-reflection so that they can better know themselves, identify their growth areas, and learn to stop white-knuckling and start motivating their employees.
The result is greater productivity, imagination, and collaboration. The supportive culture encourages more grounded, open-hearted, and open-minded conversations, and team members doing the “right” thing, because they care about each other, and the company’s mission.
If the switch from reacting emotionally to staying present and balanced is harder for you, you aren’t alone. Decades of programming has you caught in a cycle of emotional reactivity, and it makes sense you’ll need to train these new muscles. Feel free to reach out and see how I might be able to help you sharpen your tools to lead more effectively.
Or check out these other musings:
3 Emotionally Intelligent Practices To Upgrade Your Leadership
WHO IS REMM CURTIS?
REMM CURTIS is an executive coach working with NYC and beyond's best and brightest leaders stay at the top of their game. If you would like to talk about what the best version of you could look like, get in touch.