“Buddy, please don’t ever do that to me again.” This quiet, honest plea created connection and compassion. Rather than act on his initial impulse, which was to reactively yell, “Get in the car! How can you be so irresponsible and disrespectful? You’re so grounded!”

This one line changed everything in their relationship, find out why.

What does being real and brave look like in the boardroom? Great leaders are open, honest and direct with themselves first. They engage in a process of self-inquiry to cut through their own self-delusion, which includes blaming others and taking little responsibility. Such introspective work can be difficult and painful, as it involves recognizing they’re not innocent. But brave leaders step up and go first, naming the situation and putting words to it.

Do you want to be an extraordinary leader? Of course you do, or at least you should.

Great leaders possess many essential skills and capabilities, such as emotional intelligence, clear communication, conflict management, problem solving ability, strategizing, time management, engagement, and productivity.

But, to be legendary, these influential factors aren’t sufficient alone.

Research shows that teams operating with psychological safety have employees who are less likely to leave, more likely to harness the power of diversity, and ultimately, who are more productive and successful.

When creating world-class cultures where extraordinary teams can thrive, great leaders foster a key component, psychological safety. A supportive environment in which all team members feel safe to take risks, voice their opinions, and ask judgment-free questions. A culture where managers provide air cover and create safe zones so employees feel protected and comfortable letting down their guard. 

Are you feeling great when people are approving, inadequate when they’re not?

Are you running around trying to please everyone with every decision, never really tuning into your own needs?

Are you contorting and molding yourself to fit the idea of what others think you “should” be? Squashing your desires and withholding your whole personality?

Are you not being yourself, not holding your boundaries, or not trusting your judgement, assuming others know better?

“It’s kind of working,” he’d been telling himself for the last several weeks. “Maybe if I just try harder, I can rehabilitate him,” he rationalized. And so he kept putting it off. Coming up with second and third chances. In the meantime, frustrating and angering the team members around the individual. In a grey area, going back and forth in his mind. And the decision to let an employee go, all the more challenging for him, given his innate desire to make people happy. 

“What if I’m missing something? What if they’re mad at me? What if someone needs my help? What if I’m letting everyone down?” rang the voices in his head.

Fresh off a week-long vacation, but super anxious. While he had mostly disconnected during his time off, it took him several days to get there. My client reached out because he was anxious about his return to work and what awaited him. Even more urgent, however, he was awakening to the fact that it might be about much more than a ballooning inbox.

He had worked for a top firm. A successful 15-year run since undergrad, capped off with a promotion to managing director. Comfortable financially, but there was a nagging feeling. Something was missing. Plus, he rarely gave his wife and two young children his best energy, or undivided attention. So he made some changes. Switched industries. New role. Relocated his family. A thinker. Optimizer. All about efficiency. Always in a rush. 

“Stay patient, or take the next best offer?” he kept asking himself. After all, these were crucial decisions, at a critical juncture in his career, and he needed to make the next several years count, he kept telling himself. He was a successful start-up executive with two impressive stints at well-known, venture-backed companies over the last decade plus. Yet, he found himself in unfamiliar territory. An uncertain space. What to do. Where to go next.

Surely they knew. How could they not. Perhaps it had been ridiculous to pretend that people in the office didn’t know the company was in trouble.

But still he had tried tirelessly. To gloss over it. To sidestep the issue with his team altogether. While he found the charade exhausting and emotionally draining, taking responsibility for what he believed was his own ineffectual leadership, seemed harder.

His emotions were hindering his ability to deal with things the way an effective leader should. I also heard him say that he believed emotions, especially those of a CEO, don’t belong in the workplace. So even though he felt them, he never showed them. He always thought that a good leader was unfailingly strong and didn’t let his feelings get in the way of success. He was wrong…

I tiptoed into my client’s office. Navigating the minefield of boxes piled up around his desk. I shook his hand—it was lifeless. I tried to catch his eye—he looked away. He appeared aloof. Distant. No hint of a smile. Of really any emotion at all.

He viewed his team as unproductive and selfish. Always wanting to discuss their needs and wants. Identifying problems. Bringing them to him to solve. All while the company struggled financially and he grappled with how best to right the ship. He just wished they would come to him with answers. A thoughtful plan offering productive steps forward. Carry their weight. Earn their pay.

I walked into the coffee shop. It was packed. And loud. I scanned the room looking for my client. I wondered how we were going to be able to hear one another. Then it came. A deep, commanding shout from the back of the cafe, “Here!” Raising his arm. Index finger pointing to the ceiling. Strong. Decisive. He might as well have screamed: “I’m number 1!”