Avoiding Difficult Conversations

“It’s kind of working,” he’d been telling himself for the last several weeks. “Maybe if I just try harder, I can rehabilitate him,” he rationalized. And so he kept putting it off. Coming up with second and third chances. In the meantime, frustrating and angering the team members around the individual. In a grey area, going back and forth in his mind. And the decision to let an employee go, all the more challenging for him, given his innate desire to make people happy. 

My client, Founder CEO of a rapidly growing start-up, reached out because he was tired of making excuses. Wanted to figure out why he always gets stuck. How to know he was making the right decision.

Engage Authentically With The Truth

Perhaps out of fear of hurting others, or being rejected and not liked, leaders will avoid having difficult conversations. They deceive themselves, often without knowing it, by telling themselves everything’s going to work out, when it’s not how they really feel. Deluding themselves and their teams, their desire-to-feel safe approach not only perpetuates a false narrative and undermines a sense of safety and security at the individual level, but also destroys trust over the long-term at the organizational level.

Alternatively, consciously choosing to confront themselves, better understand their fears and ensure what they’re saying is in fact heard and taken in, are defining characteristics of great leaders. Importantly, being truly present, speaking authentically, and listening compassionately are critical leadership qualities to utilize when having difficult conversations. Committed to his own practice of self-reflection and personal growth, my client holds a strong belief that great leaders know themselves and work on their weaknesses in order to be better. To engage authentically and create a supportive, collaborative workplace. 

What if, there was another side of himself, both there behind his empathy and wish to please? The altruistic side, which yearns to make people happy and also the fear-based, neurotic side, which wants to create a story to push away the uncomfortable feeling. “It’s for his own good” or “I’m protecting him from the truth” he tells himself. Recognizing now, that what he’s actually doing is protecting himself from the possible negative reaction the employee might have. 

What if, instead of creating a story in response to the uncomfortable feeling, he sat with it? Asked himself, where does the anxiety reside in my body? What does it feel like? An exercise to stop his mind from creating a story, to push away his fear of letting someone down, or making them unhappy, which gets him stuck.

What if, he made the decision from a place of genuine connection and alignment with his fundamental sense of self? Believing he’s worthy, regardless of what he does, pleasing people, or not. Took a deep breath, created some space and was able to say to himself, “this is the right decision.” and upon hearing that, knew it was the truth. In his body. Rather than in his mind. A decision from a place of faith. 

What if, he led from a place where he knew he was good enough and, yet, there were also things he wanted to do better?

Leading With Faith

When you make a decision from a place of faith, it’s a sensation in the body rather than in the mind, and it implies a feeling, an intuitive knowing, rather than a story. All too often, our egos get involved, protecting, resisting, being fearful, causing us to over-analyze and even second-guess ourselves. When we experience something that feels bodily true, without a story, or a lot of explanation about it, we’ve gotten past the interpreter of our experience, or our mind, and are able to have a more direct experience. Able to make a decision from a place of faith. An intuitive knowing and believing, despite a lack of evidence that we’re right. 

Integrating truth and faith into how he communicates and engages with his team, my client calms the organization down and allows for space, which encourages his employees to be consciously aware and gives them the opportunity to speak their own truth. It gives his team members room to fail and also be conscious of their incompetence, and for it to be ok. Work becomes a journey towards fulfillment of employees as human beings, instead of work solely as a means for a paycheck. Great leaders create organizations where human beings not only come together to serve a common purpose and mission, but also get to show up fully, learn and grow.

The result is greater productivity, imagination, and collaboration. The supportive culture encourages more grounded, open-hearted, and open-minded conversations, and team members doing the “right” thing, because they care, about each other, and the company’s mission.

What if, you led from a place of faith in yourself as well as in your company’s purpose and mission, without having the conceptual evidence that you’re right, or good enough?

What if, you let go of all the rationalization, or more precisely, all the fear you’re using the rationalization to push away?

Perhaps acknowledging that would be a powerful, inspiring, and even enlightened place from which to lead, but also noting that is sounds really hard. And that’s ok, the worthwhile things always are.

If you’d like to discuss how to lead with truth and faith, shoot me an email and we can talk.

WHO IS REMM CURTIS?

REMM CURTIS is an executive coach working with NYC and beyond's best and brightest leaders stay at the top of their game. If you would like to talk about what the best version of you could look like, get in touch.