3 Steps To Listening Better And Reducing Conflict At The Office

I believe that great leaders view conflict as a positive. They value the art of passionately debating, challenging each person’s perspectives and assumptions, and wrestling with all the angles of a difficult situation. 

Great leaders don’t view conflict as personal, it doesn’t involve judging one another’s ideas and it doesn’t leave a lingering resentment of others, or negative energy. 

How about you? Sure, you may be comfortable with some disagreement and intellectual sparing, but what if you’re stuck in a cycle of conflict, rather than constructive growth. What does a great leader do then?

What do you do when you and a work colleague are stuck in conflict? Not seeing the positives, and getting caught up in it personally. This is where great leaders separate themselves from good ones.

As an Executive Coach, I work with some of the brightest minds out there to help them make this transition with ease. Here’s what I tell my clients—the next time you’re in conversation with a work colleague who’s listening with a narrow focus to find fault, something to be offended by, or only to gather evidence for a rebuttal, try:

3 Steps To Upgrade Your Communication Skills

1. Don’t Call Out Or Reflect Back Their Behavior

Note that demonizing a colleague’s behavior or calling it out, won’t solve the problem. Often, it will only make it worse.

You can’t fight predatory listening with more argument. It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire—it’ll just burn more furiously. Instead, shift the relational dynamics by stepping outside of the game of who’s right and wrong, and turn toward what’s happening on a human level.

Reflect on what might be going on for this person. Ask yourself, what might be underneath their vitriol? A strongly held value, or a tender place of vulnerability—even one outside of the person’s own awareness? For example, it could be a need to be seen, a longing to know that we matter and have a voice; a strong commitment to truthfulness, justice, community or family; or it could even be the painful scars of emotional wounds, personal or collective, crying out for empathy.

When we, at least temporarily, suspend our attachment to our own experience and attempt to see and feel things through the perception of another, we choose the empathetic mode of listening. Our goal when listening in this way is (at least at first) to connect, rather than to fix or solve. By seeking first to connect and see through another’s eyes, we can open ourselves up to new ways of thinking, and we can strengthen the trusting bonds between ourselves and others. This approach creates space for your team member to calm down their amygdala and limbic nervous system, giving you a better chance at focusing on the task at hand without fueling each other’s anxiety.

2. Invite The Other Person To Share More

If what they really need is to express themselves and feel heard, give them an opportunity to do so (as long as it’s not harming you or another). Listen fully for what matters to them, rather than argue mindlessly.

Ask yourself, what does this person care about? Where is their passion? Then affirm any positive intention, value or need you can hear in what they say. When you truly listen to others, they feel heard and seen, which satisfies one of our primary needs as humans.

Then, if the opportunity is present, ask them directly what they want.

For example, “I get the sense that you’ve thought a lot about this and have some very clear views. What is it you’d like me to know or understand? What are you hoping the outcome of this conversation will be?” Or, “What can I do that would help right now?” Sometimes, a direct, honest question can shatter the pretense of debate, reveal what’s happening, and either end the conversation or open space for new possibilities.

3. Try Not To Take It Personally

Above all else, if you’re on the receiving end of this kind of behavior, try not to take it personally, and detach yourself from their feelings. It may be helpful to remember that your coworkers, like you, are suffering in ways that we don’t see, or necessarily understand. The last two years have been hard on everyone, particularly women, primary caregivers and those shouldering the weight of a team and business that rely on them to succeed.

Maybe you’ve even been “that person” yourself?

When you’re angry, upset, or in emotional pain, have you felt the temptation to listen with a hypercritical focus, rather than with curiosity, your mind switches into offense mode, poised to build a case, and selecting only things that validate your narrative?

Wherever you fall in this equation, consider showing some compassion for them, as well as yourself, which will also prevent you from escalating things, from behaving in a way you might later regret, and from compounding their suffering. 

Do what you need to take care of yourself, and remember that making an enemy out of the other person does nothing to help, and actively harms your own heart.

Shifting From Impulse To Greater Choice

When we use mindfulness to notice the impulse coming up in ourselves to jump into the fray, tear the other person’s argument apart, or point out how damaging their approach may be, and also exercise some restraint to bear with the discomfort of the inner pressure to speak, without acting on it, then we can pause long enough to consider our purpose, and things begin to shift. 

When we respond in this way, we consciously choose to show up in ways that best serve us, and those around us, rather than reacting impulsively, because it’s what you’re used to. We choose to be the leader we wish we had.

If conflict at work can leave you feeling deflated, or attacked rather than curious and connected, it might be time to explore where those feelings are coming from. Shoot me an email and we can talk about upgrading your programming so you can become the leader you know you were meant to be. 

WHO IS REMM CURTIS?

REMM CURTIS is an executive coach working with NYC and beyond's best and brightest leaders stay at the top of their game. If you would like to talk about what the best version of you could look like, get in touch.